I know how loneliness is like and I know how bad the details of it.
For quite some time
now, I have been avoiding to write not because I got many things to do nor I lost the passion in writing but because of this one reason- I cannot get enough sheet of paper to ascribe in all the damn happenings in my life. With this reason, only few people understand although I want all of them to know as to why and how but we have limitations.
How have I been? I am alone, am I not lonely? I would be devilishly liar if I would say I am not- try to see the trace of my life, how could anyone say that I am happy? Try to witness nights with me, have me for a day, and see every faking smile I made. I am always creative in faking happiness that is all I know. A day is always a burden to me in thinking of new ideas on how to hide my deep-seated sadness.
6,303 days and counting, and I have the same loneliness back when I was a child. I have had bad times during my childhood years just as the other kids could have.
Deep within life could be intensely lonely. I am. Back then, I always dream of a bicycle. Although I got the desire of having, but I was not able to tell to my mom what it was. And today, it’s frighteningly sad to tell that I still want to have it.
I long for a bestfriend then and until now, I still have that feeling, which someday I would be able to find the person I have been looking for.
Now that I have grown up, I can say that there is just a little difference compared to my life way back then. The friend and the bicycle that I dreamed were the ones making my life *incomplete* until now. It is hard to live alone, its sad to continue living life with a hollow inside that makes my existence incomplete. It is as if you are carrying the whole world and all its heaviness. Good for those who have brothers or sisters to play with when they were young because they have not missed a part of their lives like on how it feels to have a friend; to have somebody to run to when bullies are approaching your way and learned instant martial arts in driving them away-and that’s what I missed.
How was it with you? I can see people today who have the same sadness with mine. That is why I understand them better than others do. I can feel the pain, I can see the wound, and I can touch their scars. And I am at my best in caring for them.
But as I go along with my life, at the age whom other people would think that I could fairly grasp the complexities of life, sometimes I asked, who would be there if I don’t love myself? Moreover, if I love someone so much, how can I bear it that one day we will be separated? Could it be possible that we love someone and were not afraid of losing him or her? At the same time, I was wondering, is it possible that we can live without loving anyone at all? These kinds of questions always run through across my mind. Day and night, I am always looking for answers because I only got one certain thing, that all along, it was me who completely love myself. It is not easy I say, because what if I would run out of reason to love my life? Force within has been doubling each day, I cannot be sure why it is so. I guess I am just anxious as to where I would land and perhaps end my life? Random thoughts occupy my mind and I am sober in keeping them because making them real is what I am afraid of.
At this point, I can already perceive the kind of path I have been walking, I am in the middle of crossroads- trying to figure out what way is better and right for me. Of all the things I have done, I can say that it is loving that makes me extraordinary. It was love, which have kept me and guided me in the right way. I have learned to love those who are unlovable and more to those who showed love to me. I can never forget the days, those precious, eventful, and unusually happy days- the times when I had to be at the peak of joy and relief; the times when I am walking tip toed, carefully avoiding the noise, afraid to wake the one lying in the crib while sucking her thumb in deep slumber; the times when I completely shut down all my senses just not to hear and see the inequalities of life and the weight it had prompted me to give way and make others happy instead. Those simple and yet very touching events were all but due to one reason. It is love. TO ALL THE LOVES THAT BRING US TO LIFE.
When the time comes that I would get old, I would be happy with the choices I have made. To all the unselfish and my-own-happiness-paid decisions, I know it was all worth the sacrifices. It could be hard for me to decide during those weary and teary days, but I made my stand. Even if I made mistakes along the way, I know it is better than never having tried to love and be loved. Life has always gives us opportunities to start over after we learn from our mistakes.
The ever-painful scratches and marks of my story, surprisingly, have been keeping me alive. I had been to all angles of life and to all sides of human wisdom-there I realized that being wise have much to learn. I was there to every person’s sadness and laughter- there I learned that each one of us have different story to tell. I have seen myself in my difficulties and prosperities, but nothing is more important than sticking to the promise I have made during my childhood days- that when I have found my one true love, I will never be the same person in my juvenile days, who have almost lost the key to living a meaningful life because of his inability to speak out for what he wants and what he feels. I will, in my very limited strength, keep and love the one who brought and destined me to life. I will fight for the bicycle I desired once, and for a friend I have been dying to have until my hair turns gray. I will make a beautiful story out of my seem-to-be hopeless past and I will make it known to the whole world that as long as you love, you still have hope.
For quite some time
now, I have been avoiding to write not because I got many things to do nor I lost the passion in writing but because of this one reason- I cannot get enough sheet of paper to ascribe in all the damn happenings in my life. With this reason, only few people understand although I want all of them to know as to why and how but we have limitations.How have I been? I am alone, am I not lonely? I would be devilishly liar if I would say I am not- try to see the trace of my life, how could anyone say that I am happy? Try to witness nights with me, have me for a day, and see every faking smile I made. I am always creative in faking happiness that is all I know. A day is always a burden to me in thinking of new ideas on how to hide my deep-seated sadness.
6,303 days and counting, and I have the same loneliness back when I was a child. I have had bad times during my childhood years just as the other kids could have.
Deep within life could be intensely lonely. I am. Back then, I always dream of a bicycle. Although I got the desire of having, but I was not able to tell to my mom what it was. And today, it’s frighteningly sad to tell that I still want to have it.
I long for a bestfriend then and until now, I still have that feeling, which someday I would be able to find the person I have been looking for.
Now that I have grown up, I can say that there is just a little difference compared to my life way back then. The friend and the bicycle that I dreamed were the ones making my life *incomplete* until now. It is hard to live alone, its sad to continue living life with a hollow inside that makes my existence incomplete. It is as if you are carrying the whole world and all its heaviness. Good for those who have brothers or sisters to play with when they were young because they have not missed a part of their lives like on how it feels to have a friend; to have somebody to run to when bullies are approaching your way and learned instant martial arts in driving them away-and that’s what I missed.
How was it with you? I can see people today who have the same sadness with mine. That is why I understand them better than others do. I can feel the pain, I can see the wound, and I can touch their scars. And I am at my best in caring for them.
But as I go along with my life, at the age whom other people would think that I could fairly grasp the complexities of life, sometimes I asked, who would be there if I don’t love myself? Moreover, if I love someone so much, how can I bear it that one day we will be separated? Could it be possible that we love someone and were not afraid of losing him or her? At the same time, I was wondering, is it possible that we can live without loving anyone at all? These kinds of questions always run through across my mind. Day and night, I am always looking for answers because I only got one certain thing, that all along, it was me who completely love myself. It is not easy I say, because what if I would run out of reason to love my life? Force within has been doubling each day, I cannot be sure why it is so. I guess I am just anxious as to where I would land and perhaps end my life? Random thoughts occupy my mind and I am sober in keeping them because making them real is what I am afraid of.
At this point, I can already perceive the kind of path I have been walking, I am in the middle of crossroads- trying to figure out what way is better and right for me. Of all the things I have done, I can say that it is loving that makes me extraordinary. It was love, which have kept me and guided me in the right way. I have learned to love those who are unlovable and more to those who showed love to me. I can never forget the days, those precious, eventful, and unusually happy days- the times when I had to be at the peak of joy and relief; the times when I am walking tip toed, carefully avoiding the noise, afraid to wake the one lying in the crib while sucking her thumb in deep slumber; the times when I completely shut down all my senses just not to hear and see the inequalities of life and the weight it had prompted me to give way and make others happy instead. Those simple and yet very touching events were all but due to one reason. It is love. TO ALL THE LOVES THAT BRING US TO LIFE.
When the time comes that I would get old, I would be happy with the choices I have made. To all the unselfish and my-own-happiness-paid decisions, I know it was all worth the sacrifices. It could be hard for me to decide during those weary and teary days, but I made my stand. Even if I made mistakes along the way, I know it is better than never having tried to love and be loved. Life has always gives us opportunities to start over after we learn from our mistakes.
The ever-painful scratches and marks of my story, surprisingly, have been keeping me alive. I had been to all angles of life and to all sides of human wisdom-there I realized that being wise have much to learn. I was there to every person’s sadness and laughter- there I learned that each one of us have different story to tell. I have seen myself in my difficulties and prosperities, but nothing is more important than sticking to the promise I have made during my childhood days- that when I have found my one true love, I will never be the same person in my juvenile days, who have almost lost the key to living a meaningful life because of his inability to speak out for what he wants and what he feels. I will, in my very limited strength, keep and love the one who brought and destined me to life. I will fight for the bicycle I desired once, and for a friend I have been dying to have until my hair turns gray. I will make a beautiful story out of my seem-to-be hopeless past and I will make it known to the whole world that as long as you love, you still have hope.P.S: Thanks to BitterSweet-taste m&m, for inspiration. To my Baby, I miss You.
Hey, Glenn.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, thanks for coming to my blog. =) Being a follower and commenting.
Read your post. Understand what you mean by being lonely. Just want you to know that you are not alone.